[ Viktor's low hum in appreciation for that touch turned into a chuckle when Jayce brought out his notebook. ] Like drinking ice water on a hot day, [ he answered, gently leading them away from the clinic. ] It's refreshing. Satisfying.
[ Another hum escaped him, this time contemplative. ] And all that matters to me is your comfort. [ Viktor squeezed his arm again. ] What is on your mind, Jayce?
[ Hurriedly taking notes, Jayce paused to press a kiss to Viktor's forehead. ] Anything else? [ The more data they had, the better their experiments could be. In the margins, he added his own experiences. ] It's warm for me. Like sitting in the sun.
[ His heart skipped a beat; Jayce had hoped to stall just a little longer, but he knew Viktor would never let him. ] I know. [ Tucking away his journal, Jayce covered Viktor's hand with his own. ] Cait... wants me to build her a rifle. I'm worried if I keep saying no, she'll look somewhere else, and I just don't want her to end up owing the wrong people. Or end up with something dangerous.
[ Jayce was rambling, but he couldn't help it. His nerves were running away with him. ]
[ He smiled at the kiss, pushing up off his heels to sneak one against Jayce's cheek. ] It's all I can think of for now. [ Lowering himself back down, Viktor watched as Jayce's expression shifted, his own pinching with concern.
Quiet, he listened, brow drawing further together the more his partner spoke. It didn't bother him that Caitlyn wanted a weapon. In fact, he could come around to approving, simply because she would ensure he never turned into a monster.
But. ] Others will ask you to do the same for them. They will try to force your hand. [ His voice was quiet, grave, worried. ]
If you think of anything else, we'll add it. [ Jayce was beaming by the time Viktor drew back, his heart fluttering in his chest like a it was made of butterflies. Curling a lock of Viktor's hair around his finger, Jayce wished they could linger in this moment and not the one he knew was coming. ]
I know. [ It felt like he just kept saying that. I know, but did he? Not if he kept making the same mistakes. ] It's already crossed my mind. I've said it to her, to V. To myself. [ There was an edge of exhaustion in his tone, like Jayce was just too tired to keep fighting. ] But if I don't do it, someone else will and I don't know how I feel about that either. [ Cait was a grown woman, and Jayce knew that, too, but that didn't mean he wasn't worried about her still. Sometimes it was hard to unsee the girl who followed him around like a second shadow, the girl who made a height chart thinking that she'd outgrow him. ] She's my sister, Vitya. I don't want to let her down and I don't want her to get hurt.
[ That simple act of playing with his hair helps thaw a great deal of the ice currently lodged between his ribs. Viktor tries to breathe through it, to listen, to trust, but it's a difficult thing. He isn't sure how he feels about all this, but then again, it isn't ultimately his decision. Will his opinion make a difference? Is he willing to live with this if his partner goes through with it?
Viktor grasps both of Jayce's hands gently and gazes down at them for a long moment, still processing all of what he's hearing. ] This is how it starts, [ he says softly, ] With one exception, then another. [ He exhales hard, feeling suddenly and acutely tired. ] When will it be enough?
[ Drawing his hands away, Jayce paced, crumbling to pieces as his anxiety began to shake him apart. The only opinion that mattered to him was his partner's and Jayce was actively watching his inability to disappoint one person hurt another. Jayce covered his face with his hands and he tried to breathe. ]
[ Letting Jayce go when he pulled away, Viktor watched him pace, brow drawn. It broke his heart to see him so conflicted, particularly when he knew the cause. He'd always been so eager to help his loved ones in any way he could. But that devotion would, eventually, tear him apart.
At length: ] I don't disagree. Caitlyn should be able to defend herself. [ But. ]
[ His devotion already has. Jayce felt as if he'd been bleeding out since the day the bomb hit the council chamber and he's just been waiting to succumb to it. With every step he took, Jayce didn't know if he was walking in the right direction, but going back now seemed impossible. Pushing forward felt wrong. And standing still might just kill him.
But if you are being pressured by others to develop more, I will deal with them. [ There's a mechanical edge to his voice, one he isn't concerned with. If Jayce insisted on protecting them, Viktor would hold his ground and insist on being allowed to do the same.
Drawing close again, he peers up at his partner with dark blue eyes. ]
[ The air rushed out of Jayce in a sigh, tremulous and soft. Jayce wasn't sure he'd ever seen Viktor's eyes this color but he recognized the determination set in the line of his mouth, the intensity that seemed to bore right into him. Cradling Viktor's face in his hands, Jayce gently caressed the rise of his cheekbones with the pads of his thumbs. ]
I promise, Viktor.
[ Jayce leaned in until their foreheads were pressed together, eyes closing as he draws in a breath. ]
[ Reaching up to gently hold Jayce's wrists, Viktor searches his partner's face, only relaxing when he acquiesces. Quietly, relieved: ] Thank you.
[ He snorts softly at the question, but it's not unkind. ] Jayce. [ Viktor nuzzles their noses, squeezing his wrists gently. ] I could never think less of you. We move forward together. This is as much your choice as it is mine.
[ Like a band snapping, Jayce sagged, draping himself around Viktor for support. His fingers tangled in the fabric of his robe, face pressed to his neck, tucked away so his voice was muffled when he spoke. ]
As partners.
[ Relief washed over him and with each breath, more of that fear withered until he could pluck the whole thing out and toss it aside. ]
This is the last one I'll ever make.
[ Jayce said it more as a promise to himself than anything else. He had a terrible habit of bending in the name of those he loved, letting his boundaries be obliterated, sacrificing his idea of what was right, if it meant that he could do what he thought they needed, if it meant he could protect them, but Jayce needed to learn how to say no and be okay with that. ]
As partners, [ Viktor echoes softly, bearing Jayce's weight without complaint. He turns his head to press a kiss to his partner's cheek, reaching up to cradle the back of his neck and sneak an arm around his waist to hold him close, protective. ]
Don't. [ He buries his face against Jayce's chest, squeezing him a bit tighter. ] I would rather you keep your other promise. The rest we will deal with.
[ Maybe it didn't need to be said, but Jayce does anyway as he gathers his partner up in his arms, clinging tightly. He believes in this, in them, and that's all that matters. The rest they can figure out. ]
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[ Another hum escaped him, this time contemplative. ] And all that matters to me is your comfort. [ Viktor squeezed his arm again. ] What is on your mind, Jayce?
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[ His heart skipped a beat; Jayce had hoped to stall just a little longer, but he knew Viktor would never let him. ] I know. [ Tucking away his journal, Jayce covered Viktor's hand with his own. ] Cait... wants me to build her a rifle. I'm worried if I keep saying no, she'll look somewhere else, and I just don't want her to end up owing the wrong people. Or end up with something dangerous.
[ Jayce was rambling, but he couldn't help it. His nerves were running away with him. ]
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Quiet, he listened, brow drawing further together the more his partner spoke. It didn't bother him that Caitlyn wanted a weapon. In fact, he could come around to approving, simply because she would ensure he never turned into a monster.
But. ] Others will ask you to do the same for them. They will try to force your hand. [ His voice was quiet, grave, worried. ]
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I know. [ It felt like he just kept saying that. I know, but did he? Not if he kept making the same mistakes. ] It's already crossed my mind. I've said it to her, to V. To myself. [ There was an edge of exhaustion in his tone, like Jayce was just too tired to keep fighting. ] But if I don't do it, someone else will and I don't know how I feel about that either. [ Cait was a grown woman, and Jayce knew that, too, but that didn't mean he wasn't worried about her still. Sometimes it was hard to unsee the girl who followed him around like a second shadow, the girl who made a height chart thinking that she'd outgrow him. ] She's my sister, Vitya. I don't want to let her down and I don't want her to get hurt.
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Viktor grasps both of Jayce's hands gently and gazes down at them for a long moment, still processing all of what he's hearing. ] This is how it starts, [ he says softly, ] With one exception, then another. [ He exhales hard, feeling suddenly and acutely tired. ] When will it be enough?
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[ Drawing his hands away, Jayce paced, crumbling to pieces as his anxiety began to shake him apart. The only opinion that mattered to him was his partner's and Jayce was actively watching his inability to disappoint one person hurt another. Jayce covered his face with his hands and he tried to breathe. ]
I don't know what to do.
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At length: ] I don't disagree. Caitlyn should be able to defend herself. [ But. ]
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So Jayce said the quiet part out loud. ]
But?
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Drawing close again, he peers up at his partner with dark blue eyes. ]
Promise me this, Jayce.
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I promise, Viktor.
[ Jayce leaned in until their foreheads were pressed together, eyes closing as he draws in a breath. ]
If I do this, will you think less of me?
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[ He snorts softly at the question, but it's not unkind. ] Jayce. [ Viktor nuzzles their noses, squeezing his wrists gently. ] I could never think less of you. We move forward together. This is as much your choice as it is mine.
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As partners.
[ Relief washed over him and with each breath, more of that fear withered until he could pluck the whole thing out and toss it aside. ]
This is the last one I'll ever make.
[ Jayce said it more as a promise to himself than anything else. He had a terrible habit of bending in the name of those he loved, letting his boundaries be obliterated, sacrificing his idea of what was right, if it meant that he could do what he thought they needed, if it meant he could protect them, but Jayce needed to learn how to say no and be okay with that. ]
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Don't. [ He buries his face against Jayce's chest, squeezing him a bit tighter. ] I would rather you keep your other promise. The rest we will deal with.
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Together.
[ Maybe it didn't need to be said, but Jayce does anyway as he gathers his partner up in his arms, clinging tightly. He believes in this, in them, and that's all that matters. The rest they can figure out. ]